Monday, April 6, 2015

Let Go Of The Day

Once I became a mom, I discovered that my brain never shuts itself off. Thoughts, to do lists, guilt, worry, happiness, fear, sadness, endless joy, check lists, all consume my head from the moment I wake up to the moment sleep comes.  Sometimes it is all too difficult to let go of the days emotions and thoughts, the days many perfect imperfections. Before I had kids, I never dreamed I could feel so many emotions, think so many thoughts, and do it all at the same time. 

Usually I am beyond exhausted as I crawl into bed, but I somehow always manage to think of a thousand different things in the two seconds it takes for me to fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.
"I MUST shave my legs....tomorrow" "Do I need to pee again?" "Don't forget the middle child needs to bring something for show and tell tomorrow." "I shouldn't have yelled." "What should I make for dinner tomorrow night?" "I really hope my kids sleep through the night." "Did Max do his homework?" "What did I get for the kid's morning snack tomorrow?" "Is tomorrow trash day?" "Is the alarm set for the correct time?"  "I wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done." "I hope tomorrow is a better day with the tantrum throwing two year old." "Did I remember carrots at the store?" "I can't believe I'll have a five year old in a few months. 5! Where did the time go?" "It's warm in this room." "I REALLY need to do laundry tomorrow." "What am I making for breakfast?" "I hear rain. I hope the car windows are up." "Did the cats ever get fed today?" "We need a vacation." "Did I return emails?" "I wish I could say yes to 'one more book!' when my children beg...without them being cranky from missing sleep." "I should have been in bed two hours ago." "Maybe I should just get up and get a start on the laundry..."
Finally my thoughts drift off. I let go of the day's imperfections and embrace that they will happen again. That I will make parenting mistakes tomorrow and the  next day. I will have many failures and triumphs. I may not get my legs shaved....this week. Laundry will always be behind as long as there are three kids and only one of me. I'll occasionally say yes to one more book and deal with cranky kids. I'll occasionally feel guilty for not saying yes to one more book, just so I don't have to deal with cranky kids in the morning. The car windows will be down when it rains. My kids will grow older and I'll be sad. I'll grab not one but two bags of carrots at the store because I forgot I put the first bag in the cart. There will never be enough hours in the day to complete everything I'd like. 
But I let it all go as sleep comes and when tomorrow rises, I know new thoughts, worries, joys, fears, hopes, guilts, and things to do will follow. It's all part of the constantly evolving mom job description.