Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Parenthood Is Just Gross

Since becoming a mom I have had to face the grossness factor: pooplosions, pukes, boogers all over everything, pee just about everywhere, spit, puss.....anything you can think of, I've dealt with it in the last 5 1/2 years. After I had my first, I sincerely thought that once potty training was done the grossness factor would subside. But once again, my children prove me wrong.

My 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 year old have started to wipe themselves after number two. How hard can wiping be, right? Yea, apparently it's one of the messiest things they learn to do. Somehow poop can get on everything. My favorite it when they wipe, fail to wash their hands thoroughly, and then inform me they have poop on their finger AFTER touching nearly every surface from the bathroom to the kitchen. I'm ready to buy stock in Clorox wipes.

Poop is necessary but so gross. So is projectile vomit coming through the slats of the crib (yes, that has happened too in this house). Last night proved a whole new level of grossness for me.

Max (our oldest) was overly tired when he went to bed thanks to a little brother who shares his room and likes to get up extra early. Whenever Max is overly tired, it's pretty much a guaranteed bed wetting night. Not just once, or twice, but three times last night. Two potty trained little boys means I've got this down pat: send pottyer into the bathroom to undress, pee on the toilet, wipe down a bit (there will be a shower in the morning), put on new jammies, while I quickly pull off sheet and any wet blankets, dry off and clean vinyl cover, put on new sheet, grab new blanket, and then back to bed for everyone.

By the third pee through, we were both exhausted. Like pretty much going through the motions with our eyes closed. I grabbed a new sheet, pulled off the old one, and felt a splash on my pants, feet, and floor. Being half asleep and it being nearly 4 a.m., my first thought was 'did I just pee my pants???' Nothing wakes you up like being wet. After getting my bearings and saying just about every cuss word in the book, I realized I was in fact covered in pee. Not my pee, but my son's. Apparently the sheet had absorbed nothing and the vinyl cover just made it sit in a puddle that was now all over me, the floor, and numerous toys that happened to be right there. Enter more cuss words and accusing my husband of being a cheap ass for not buying the bed mats we use to buy (I know they're expensive, but when you're covered in someone else's pee that's the last thing I'm thinking about. I'll happily go broke buying those super absorbent pads now). Twenty minutes spent cleaning up the mess, another twenty minutes cleaning up myself, a good ten minutes crying over a pile of laundry that was as tall as I am (fyi-I'm 5' damn tall!), and I was back in bed.

Of all of the grossness factors I've encountered, this was by far the grossest and most gag worthy. At 4 a.m. it's easy to think 'This only happens to me!' but I'm quite certain all parents have encountered the grossest of the grossness factor. But seriously, I'm spending my day doing laundry and buying out Target's supply of Bed Mats.