Sunday, April 22, 2018

I'll Talk To You With My Pants Around My Ankles

I heard the door squeak open as I became aware I hadn't fully latched the bathroom door. In walked my two felines. Not the kids, but the felines. I forgot to feed them (again) and they came looking for the person who remembers to feed them. I had long since finished peeing, but I sat quietly checking emails with my pants down.

I heard small footsteps start down the hallway. I held my breath as the footsteps abruptly stopped in front of the bathroom door. The door flew open the rest of the way.

"Oh you're in here!" my daughter said. 
"Typically when the door is shut, that means not to come in," I said dryly.
"Doors are supposed to be opened if they're closed," my middle child added as he trotted by.
"Yeah and the cats already kinda opened the door," my daughter replied in agreement with her brother. Without missing anything, they were both in our tiny bathroom talking about some miniscule issue I can't even remember. 

My oldest joined us in the doorway. "That's not how it went Harrison!" he chimed into their conversation, thus starting an argument amongst the three of them. There I sat in the middle of it all, with my pants down and both cats at my feet meowing.

I had gone into the bathroom for just a moment to myself. I hadn't completed anything I had set out to complete that day and no one was making it easier for me to complete my tasks that evening either.

That's about the time my husband walked into the bathroom. Now all five family members and two felines were shoved into the smallest room of the house. A room that constantly smells like urine because, well, two boys (that's all I should need to say on the subject).

"Why is this even happening right now!!??! You're dad was literally sitting on the couch. You walked by him to get to me. Why couldn't you sit on the couches with him and comfortably tell your tales and argue? Why are we all in here?" I rationally spoke to my family.

"Yeah kids. Why are you in here? Get out!" said my husband, not budging from his spot. Clearly he missed something in my message.

"I just need to breathe for a moment," I exclaimed as I finally pulled up my pants with my audience watching. I honestly couldn't remember if I even wiped, but in that moment I didn't really care.

At this point, I have to think my family is just playing a joke on me. I mean who goes into a bathroom to carry on a conversation? Let's ignore the fact that I went into the bathroom to check emails in peace, but really, they have to know how ridiculous it is every time someone comes to find me for "help" while I have my pants around my ankles. 

Why is that every time my pants are around my ankles my family chooses THAT moment to start something? An important conversation? Mom should have her pants down for that. Starting a fight on the other side of the house? Mom should definitely have her pants down for that so she can for sure stumble out of the bathroom. An injury? Mom should have her pants around her ankles when that happens too.

Alone time is precious when you're a mom. You're rarely alone even with your own thoughts because thoughts of your kids come first (does ____ have their lunch ready for tomorrow? Are they okay? Do I need to adjust the temperature so they don't get cold?). I never had an issues peeing alone until I had kids. Sometimes I wonder why I bother shutting the door because it always winds up open anyway.

My motto: if it's not my husband, it's my kids. If it's not a kid, it's a cat.