Monday, September 10, 2018

My Husband And I Sleep in Separate Beds

I remember watching an I Love Lucy episode with my grandma when I was younger. It featured Lucy and Ricky reading the newspapers in bed. In their separate beds. I remember thinking that was so odd, as my parents shared a bed. In fact, all of the couples I knew in my life shared a bed. As an adult and after 10 1/2 years of marriage, let me tell you a secret, Lucille Ball was onto something. A freaking genius she was.

My husband and I (sometimes) sleep in separate beds and it is heaven. I'm not a sharer when it comes to bed space and blankets. For years, we remedied the situation with separate bed spreads and blankets followed by a king sized bed. It helped a bit. But on those nights when one of us would fall asleep on the couch (we're both night owls) and just happen to stay sleeping on the couch, those nights were the best. I slept through the night with no interruptions. It was glorious.

Of course, add in parenting to the mix and I became a fairly light sleeper over the years. Every snore and turn made me wake up. I was frustrated. Now, I could have taken my frustrations out on my husband and thus, our marriage. But I'm more of a let's find a solution type person. The solution was easy in my mind. Sleep separately.

No joke, I bought a new couch for those nights one of us was up late and decided to just sleep on the couch. I bought a comfy new spare bed and blow up mattresses (hey, I like to have options). Of course, I didn't share this information with others. Most of our friends were just getting into serious relationships, moving into together, picking out curtains. Spending every night together was exciting for them. I didn't really feel as though anyone would understand, which is odd because I generally don't give one iota as to what others think. I do what's good for me. In this case, I did what was best for our life and kept it to myself.

One night, a few years ago, I went out with friends and had one too many margaritas. A friend was near exhaustion and complaining about her husband's snoring. Between babies and the snoring, she was lacking in sleep and it was showing as the tears flowed into her margarita. I blurted out, "so just sleep in different beds. Then you wouldn't be ruining your margarita." I've never been extremely tactful if you were wondering.

This drew all eyes to me and I, drunkenly, began my spiel (I won't use quotes because I don't remember what I said, but it has been repeated to me many times since then): Everyone thinks it's a bad thing to sleep on the couch during a marriage. Like, one of you did something wrong. What if you just need space. I like space. When you're married you don't get a lot of it. I don't want a frick'n hug in my sleep and have it labeled as cuddling. I want to stretch out and not feel a hairy leg next to me. I want sleep. If you can get a full night's sleep just by sleeping on the couch or in a spare bed, then why not? Sleep is important and you clearly (me giving my wonderful friend a not so nice look; one that she never lets me forget either) can't function without it, so do something about it. Omg, did you see Target had a sale on kids clothes?

And those are still my feelings (legit, did you see Target's sale this week??). It's not every night I need my preferred space. For that next question that most people want to ask, but are too shy/nice/respectful to ask, no it doesn't hinder our sex life. It has not had a negative effect on our sex life at all. In fact, quite the opposite since we're both well rested, we're happier, therefore more "in the mood" than we would be if we were suffering from pure exhaustion.

I'm not saying this is for everyone. I'm also not saying this is a marriage "fix" for those who need it. I'm saying what has worked/s for me/us (and continues to work). I've always been open about our life and how our life runs. This is just one of those things that after speaking up about it for the past few years with friends and acquaintances, I've realized how common sleeping in separate beds (or the want) really is. There's no shame, there's nothing wrong with finding ways to make life easier. There's only someone here who says, keep on doing what works for you. And what works for me is (sometimes) sleeping in separate beds. Because this momma loves her sleep.