Pick A Better Time To Poop, Dude!

I want you to take in this picture below. It's my husband enjoying a dinner by himself. Quietly eating, food warm (okay, so it was re-heated but warm nonetheless), beer in hand. Notice all other spaces at the table have been left. Because dinner was over with when he sat down. It must be nice.

I'm calling him out on it too:

He was pooping.

How is it that husband's have a knack for "needing to poop" at the most in-opportune times?

Dinner time ✔
Putting groceries away ✔
During the worst toddler tantrum in the history of tantrums? ✔
When a kid comes out of the bedroom needing a drink of water five minutes after going to bed? ✔

Dear lord, pick a better time to poop dude! I just don't get it. I love you but our children are only going to remember you on the toilet. Is it just my husband?? Or do all husband's have a knack for "needing" to do something at the most inopportune times? So, I asked some of my girlfriends. Actually, it's a discussion we've had numerous times in the past.

Apparently my husband is not the only one with bad timing. It makes me wonder, are they doing it deliberately? I hope they have fun catching up on Reddit articles and YouTube videos because my time in the bathroom isn't any sort of relaxation. For me it's more like a race, like a beat your own time type of thing. If I'm gone for longer than 20 seconds I'll have an audience in the bathroom (which quite honestly I'm used to at this point in my mommyhood). But really, do I need to start planning things around this pooping schedule?

* Shout out to the Hubs who shrugged when I ran this topic idea by him and said, "I'm sure other husband's will understand me." 

I Made My Husband Join Tinder

First things first, I got ya with that title didn't I? Huh, huh? Yes, catchy title but it's also true. Let me tell you the story before you fall out of your seat. See folks, we've been out of the dating game a long time. Almost twelve years. We started dating when I was twenty one. We never got the experience of online dating, crappy blind dates, dating horror stories. We (mostly) got to skip over all of that.

Believe me, I'm not complaining. Not one bit. I'll admit that if I were to be thrown into the dating game at this stage I would be completely lost. I wouldn't understand a damn thing. And that's the problem. We still have quite a few single friends and whenever we get together with them, I feel rather lost. I have NO IDEA what the hell they're talking about. 

One conversation everyone was having was about Tinder and how they were swiping (I mean, what the hell is swiping someone???). My husband and I were beyond lost. We were quiet for most of the evening. Even asking my friends about how it works, I was still clueless. I was like your grandma navigating Facebook. It was bad. I felt....uncool and out of touch (read: out of date). Of course this was the first thing my husband and I began discussing as soon as we hopped into our fully loaded minivan (which shows just how cool we really are).

"I want to check out Tinder," I informed him as we drove down the road. Being together twelve years (and knowing each other for many years before that), we were on the same page with this one.

"Let's go home, check on the kids, and then we can check it out." So we did just that. The problem we soon discovered is that you need a Tinder profile to "check it out." To sum up our conversation, we decided to join Tinder simply so we can understand how it works so we don't feel completely clueless when our friends start talking about their dating adventures. However, both of us didn't need to join (as we were just playing around with it together.....and that sounds just as bad as the title of this article).

I made my husband join Tinder. Now, when I tell this story to people, they are shocked. "Do you trust him?" "Oh my goooodddd! You LET your husband join? What if he uses it without you?" Well, for  one, he can't even remember the damn password. For two, let me fill you in on why I wanted HIM to join and not me. See, as I said earlier, we have friends on Tinder and obviously people don't understand our reasoning for joining Tinder in the first place. Therefore, if someone we knew came across a Tinder profile, I sure as hell didn't want it to be mine.

No, if friends or acquaintances came/come across it, they think my husband is the scumbag. So, that's the story of how I made my husband join Tinder. I was curious and didn't want to look like cheating scum so I made my husband do it. #marriedlife